committed the first sin

Matt Barber of the conservative Liberty Council went off on “homosexual activists” earlier this week, accusing pro-marriage equality folks of gradually leading America onto a road of polygamy and incest, hell-bent on “deconstructing the Judeo-Christian notion of marriage as marriage has always been.”

Let’s be generous to Mr. Barber and assume that whatever is in the Bible – as disagreeable and detestable as some of it may be (remember, the Bible supports slavery, as well as putting gays to death) – is right. According to Barber, homosexual fornicators are the bringers of polygamy and incest, while Matt’s righteous heterosexual living has been society’s saving grace. But reading from the Book of Genesis all the way through to the Book of Revelation, it’s not been gay people who have multiplied across generations via polygamy and incest – it’s been straight people.

Take Earth’s very first humans (according to the Bible). Bigots will tell you there was no such thing as “Adam and Steve.” And they are correct, because it was actually Adam and Eve’schildren who were forced by God to commit incest in order to populate the earth.  It was also Adam and Eve who are responsible for kicking mankind out of paradise (Eve taking that bite of the apple).  And it was Adam and Eve’s child Cain who committed the first murder.

This isn’t even mentioning the fact that Adam and Eve lived in sin, since it’s not entirely clear they were ever married.

Adam and Eve’s other kids include Seth, as well as “other sons and daughters” the Bible neglects to name (they probably got into lousy colleges or something). Even more interesting? Not one homosexual to be seen.

The Bible continues on with more accounts of heterosexual incest, including Lot and his daughters, Abraham’s marriage to his half-sister Sarah, and Isaac’s marriage to his cousin Rebekah. If traditional, Biblical marriage means having to marry one of my sisters, or that weird cousin with the One Direction obsession, count me out.

Matt also insists that gay marriage will lead to polygamy. Returning to the Bible (the one book that matters, remember?), it’s not gays who have monster-trucked society via polygamy, but rather heterosexuals. Countless Old Testament figures revered by Christians had multiple wives, including Abraham (a double-whammy, since he’s also the incest guy previously mentioned), King David, King Solomon, Moses, Gideon, and Saul.

Again, not one homo in the bunch.

Even more telling are Bible verses seemingly condoning heterosexual polygamy, like Deuteronomy 21:15 (“If a man has two wives, and he loves one but not the other…). Equally awkward is that conservatives frequently cite this very book when condemning homosexuality. But it’s not like bigots are known for cherry-picking the Bible or anything like that.

And finally, when it comes to the Gingrich Award for Most Wives, the honor goes to David’s son Solomon, who had 700 wives and 300 concubines to his credit. Again, none of those seemed to be gay marriages, but rather traditional, Biblical, heterosexual marriages. Sure, today’s conservatives claim that marriage is between one man and woman, but if we’re following the word of God as shown in the Bible, Newt deserves to get his bush burned for not having married all three of his wives at once.

Matt Barber want us to believe that gay marriage is to blame for society’s downfall, and will be ultimately responsible for destroying traditional marriage. Except that claim couldn’t be any more false. Some Bible study would show that it’s never been gays who have been responsible for these acts, but rather heterosexuals. Furthermore, when it comes to redefining traditional marriage, it’s heterosexuals who no longer follow the Biblical tradition of marrying 700 women at once.

Now excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with bleach.